My abusive relationship....

I have been thinking about whether I want to stay here or not. I am wondering if I am ready to pack up my things and throw in the towel.
Am I?
If I leave now will I miss Egypt like I have missed it every other time I left?

I am bitter with this country.
Recently this country has been the reason that I was more bitter than I had been in a long time. It made me a different person. It made me a person I did not want to be.
I hated myself.. and I hated Egypt for making me that person.

I have cooled down recently. I am starting to get rid of some bitterness...
The weird thing is that I am scared to be not bitter. Scared of being disappointed with this country. Scared of falling in love again and being hurt... by Egypt.
Scared of returning to the bubble that I lived in before.. only to have it explode once again.

Vulnerability is one of my biggest fears.. and Egypt made me vulnerable!

I am in a twisted abusive relationship.
The first time that I am in a kick ass relationship with a kick ass incredible guy.. I get into a random abusive relationship with a country!! Go figure!

Does anyone get into abusive relationships with a whole nation?!?!?!?!

I cannot handle it anymore!!

I have received comments on my last post telling me that I should not be negative about Egypt on my blog because this will stop the foreigners/tourists from coming. So, anyone not 100% Egyptian please stop reading now!
Oh yeah, Egypt is a great place and I really think you should come....

Now, I will say that I love Egypt. I adore this country, This is the country that I do consider home.
This country is beating the shit out of me. Everyday I feel like I get the wind knocked out of me.

I cannot do it anymore.

I give up!
I decided that I have to get out. I cannot live here anymore.
I am leaving.
I am moving away from the home that I love so much.

I never wanted to be bitter. I fought so hard. I ignored so much. But in the end, I lost. Bitterness came and it conquered. It conquered and consumed me.

It is almost daily that a man makes an obscene comment to me. I am forced to witness an obscene geture. I am being stared at. I get touched, grabbed, and so much more....

That is it. I tried to not let it get to me. And I guess I did well for a long time.
But now I just give up. I cannot fight this anymore.

I cannot allow myself to become so numb to so much.
I cannot let people blame me because I am attacked in the streets.
I cannot be afraid going home because a car is following me and I live alone.
I cannot go home upset because a man made me feel cheap.
I cannot be out and feel afraid that someone will hit my car to stop me.
I cannot be afraid of every man as I walk down the streets.
I cannot be worried about my friends in taxi's because of what I have seen from taxi drivers.
I cannot act normal in the middle of so many not so normal events.

Well, I came, I tried, and I failed.
Congratulations Egyptian men!! You won...

Banking in Egypt SUCKS!!!

Banking in Egypt sucks!!!
I had another issue with the bank that I have been forced to become a customer of. The bank that my work has forced us into being fucked by!
Well, actually.. not another issue. The same issue again! No matter what I do they cannot and will not fix the issues.
They are a group of idoits and I hate them. I hate having to deal with them!
I was bitter... I told them. I told them that I think they are fucking idiots..
I told them that their system is horrible. That their customer service is evil.
I told them everything!
I also withdrew all my money today. They did not look at my passport. They had no problem with the fact that the signature I signed on the paper is not the signature they have in their file. Apparently, that does not matter at a bank anymore!!
I am not sure what I would need to take money from them.
I guess any upset women in a bank can just go get cash and leave!
I told her that.. I told her that they did not even look at my ID.. She did not even understand why I thought that that was not right.
She did tell me that the system will change... that it will be good soon!! I do not know if that was supposed to make me happy or what.
It just made me sad..

Chaos...

Chaos..
This is the only way to describe my day. I am wondering what the problem with organization in this country is. I seriously do not understand why people cannot follow a system. I do not know why people cannot have a reason and rhyme to what they do.
Are we as a society not capable of thinking things through?
Is thinking in advance impossible?
I am also wondering why we do not value time. Time is the one thing that is needed to make anything possible. Does nobody understand the concept of time is money?
I spent 8 hours in the Cairo stadium today. I spent 8 hours babysitting 13 freaking children. I spent 8 hours doing absolutely nothing.
I spent 8 hours of my life being less useful than the chair I am sitting on now!
I spent 8 hours wishing I had a spoon to stab myself with. Only a spoon would do.. it had to be slow and painful. It had to be equal to what my day was like.
Slow and painful, that is another way to describe my day.

Woman hitters

At work recently there was some drama because one of the students ran away from home. She was a high school student. I guess that makes her about 16. She ran away because her father was beating her. She was black, blue, and swollen... She was desperate.
News spread quickly at work.
The scary part was that most people blamed the girl. They all thought she was selfish for running away. Selfish for getting out of the house that was leaving her black and blue. Getting away from the man she hated so much because he left scars.. emotional and physical ones.
Why is a desperate child to be blamed? Why did people not think the father was the ass for doing this to his daughter? Why didn't people acknowledge that the father is a messed up asshole???

I was talking with one of my coworkers about the girl. She said the girl was selfish. I personally feel that a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances. So, I was passionately defending her. I was calling the father every synonym for asshole that my mind could conjour. I was talking about the "woman hitters" being fucked up demented freaks.
She broke down and cried. She poured her heart out about her husband beating her. She expressed her desperation because there is nothing seh can do. Spoke about her dreams of providing a stable household for her children. Spoke about a balanced life that she dreamt of, and now realizes she will never have.
She said that this is her life and she cannot change it, so she might as well just find a way to live it. To make it as bearable as possible.
My heart broke into a million little pieces. I hugged her and let her cry. I let her say the things she needed to get out.

I want to know what it is about men in Egypt that makes them think that hitting makes them a man? Why do they need to belittle a woman to feel manly? Why do they need to flaunt their strength and supposed power?
When will men here realize that being a man is not about how hard you can throw a punch. When will men realize that if they need to hit a woman they are hmm.. I seriously cannot think of a word to describe them.!!! Losers? Freaks? Weak? All of the above?
I guess what bothered me the most is her feeling of desperation. The fact that she thinks there is nothing she can do. The fact that she will just live this life.. this fucked up life that made her cry in the arms of an almost complete stranger.
I am worried that the women do not understand that the men are not supposed to hit them. That they do not need to stay in a relationship that is like that.
I wish they knew that they could leave...
I wish they knew that they deserve better....